GOD, IF THIS IS YOUR WILL FOR ME, CAN I GET BACK TO YOU ON IT?



I used this question as a journaling exercise.  (I know it sounds like all I do is journal, but, hey, I save a fortune on therapists.)  The journal question was, "What conditions are you still tyring to set on your willingness to be led?"

I decided to take a look at how well I practice two of the steps of my 12-step recovery program;  namely, the third and the eleventh.   The third step is:

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."  (Any power greater than yourself will do.  Some say it's their "H.P.)

The eleventh step is:

"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."

Regardless of what you're recovering from, if it's a twelve-step program, you will find those two steps.

I ask God in prayer and, when I can sit still long enough, in meditation,  what His or Her will is,  and for the power to carry that out every single day.  Then I immediately take it back and begin my self-will run riot day of pumping adrenaline and pouring down coffee and Diet Coke so I can accomplish more than three of the things on my daily to-do lists, which usually have about 25 items on them.

So this journaling question intrigued me.  Did I put conditions on doing God's will for me?

Yes, I do.  Here are a few that immediately came to mind:

1.  Whatever, God, but leave me some space, my solitude and plenty of time to write.

2.  Let me keep my freedom.  All of it.

3.  Don't make me do things I don't want to do.

4. Don't ask me to discipline myself or do things that are too hard for me.  I don't even like the word "discipline." 

5.  Don't require that I do things now instead of later.  God knows by now about what a terrible procrastinator I am.  Surely God doesn't expect me to break out of that nasty addiction anytime soon. 

6.  Don't forbid me from my noodling on the Internet time, my other time-wasters and my just plain lazy time.  Sometimes you have to sit back and chill.

7.  Don't care if I forget to ask what your will is or ignore it even when I am  pretty sure what it is.

8. Let me do things in my own way.  I want always to be in control.  (This method seems to make big messes and things have a way of never working out, but I don't learn.)

9.  I want to choose the people who come into my life, the synchronicities/coincidences God uses to send me messages, and the miracles that I want the most.

 10.  Don't require me to give up my dreams of one day writing a bestselling novel to do service for others as my life's work.  I can do both. Let me have both.

11.  Make things easier.  Let more doors open and more invisible hands reach out and help if something is your will.

12.  I need more magic and miracles to help me get on the right path and stay on it.  I need signs and wonders.  I need some surprise checks coming in the mail occasionally.

13.  Show me the way, inspire me, help me create.  I need you God.  I depend on you, really.

14.  Replace my doubts about whether I am doing your will with certainty.

15.  Send me reminders throughout the day to pay attention to what your will is and act on it.

16.  Send me some money, real abundance to make the way easier, especially if you want me to do things that cost me money like setting up the support group has.

17.  Never make me leave my comfort zone--not even for you.

18.  Don't let me lose my health or die before I fulfill my goals, your plan,and  my life's purpose and soul's mission.

19.  Don't keep making me go to more recovery support meetings and work the steps.  I get bored.  I've heard it all before.

20.  Don't make it your will that I quit smoking, eat healthy foods or exercise. It's just not in me.

I tell you I read these conditions I put on doing God's will and I was shocked.  I once wrote an essay about how God and I were sharing a bicycle built for two.  He steered, and my job was just to peddle.   He kept turning his head and yelling, "Just peddle."  And I realized that the best things, situations, jobs, people and opportunities came when I let go and let God and I just peddled and reported for duty. 

Now I had to face the facts.  I didn't necessarily want to give up control, be humble, be led at all, give up a successful career I fantasize about and the wealth that would go with it.  I do not want to do a lot of things God's way and not my way.

My conditions, and I know I could have written many more, made me sound like an insolent, stubborn child who didn't want to do her chores or listen to her parents' rules.  Was I really a brat?

And I wonder why my spiritual growth, life's purpose fulfillment, career success and personal self-improvement goals are so slow in coming.  God doesn't fight me for control.   God gives me free will to create crises and disasters with my grandiose ego and need to control.   That's my choice.  I have choices every day.  And a lot of the time I chose being in control even when I know the outcome will be one giant negative fall on my face as usual.


Do I really want to serve? 

Actually, I really do want to help others who are still suffering with the same diseases and conditions that I have blindly crawled and stumbled over to reach recovery.  I want to make their way easier for them than finding my own way of overcoming was for me.  Because it's all too damn hard when you don't know, or aren't sure, or can't admit what's wrong with you and all you can do, so it appears, is watch the remnants of your former life go down the toilet.  Goodbye spouse, kids, job, career, reputation, health... the whole  package down the drain while you try to figure out what hurricane just blew through your life.

You want to hear a corker?  After I wrote all this out in my journal I looked at the clock.  It was 7:15 p.m.  I thought to myself, "Well I'll never make that meeting now.  I think it starts at 7:30 p.m."  And I know I have been prompted to get out of myself and go to more recovery meetings.  But I didn't feel like it. It was cold out.  I wasn't even dressed yet.I had plenty of no-good excuses.

Something or God made me go look for the meeting listing in a directory.  It started at 8:00 p.m.  I started to get ready and thought about what a bad person I must be to immediately go against God's will for me after looking at the conditions I put on doing it.  I can feed on self-loathing and shame for days. 

I was glad I went.  I may have made a new friend.  In any event, I have a fellow recovering person to call so we can support and encourage each other.  It's always a good feeling when I do God's will because things go smoothly and work out perfectly.

When will I learn to just peddle?

My ex-husband, also recovering, couldn't take my controlling nature too much of the time.  He would play on the saying "Let go and let God" and say, "Maryellen, if you can't let go, just let."  And sometimes when I was being nutsy, he would turn to me and say a single word, "Let." 

I should hang that word over my desk.

HEY, YOU, OVER THERE--COME HERE--WANT TO SEE SOMETHING COOL? IT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND.

Ready to see something that will fill you will energy and light? It is something miraculous and you will be glad you stopped by. Go ahead and click on the title of this post now.  I'll wait for you here.

What do you think, eh?  Miraculous?  Unbelievably breathtaking?  Energy infusing?

You can play with them. They do everything.  You can be in one by tagging it.  You can even have one made for you. Transformational Artist K. Allen Kay is given your birth name and birth date. Taking the vibrational numbers of your life, spectacular geometric fractals are created.  And they really are spectacular. 


Now we're all getting on the bus and going to a Pink Floyd concert.

"I hope we don't get any bad acid."


That was a blast from the past.  I had fun. MsRefusenik's heart is still half in the Sixties.  She is a walking antique.  A woman came up to her on the train yesterday and reminded her she could be riding free with a senior pass, and told her she could get one at the senior center on Harris.  MsRefusenik was trying not to think about the the birthday she has coming up, but the world won't let her.  I wonder if her vanity keeps her from getting a senior pass.  She is actually not really old enough, but she does qualify by being disabled. 

Make a list of pros and cons about aging. Pros:  Cheap coffee at McDonald's  and movie discounts.  Cons:  Sagging everything, wrinkles, grey hair and feebleness.  But I was never given the list and allowed to choose now was I?

Here's what the mandala store says about their personal mandalas:

"Are you living up to your true potential? Are you ready to manifest miracles in your life? Do you long for more tranquility, harmony, peace and joy?
You are more amazing than you have ever known or dreamed!!!
Individuals all over the planet are using Personal Energy Mandalas to access their inner reservoirs of greatness, strength, beauty, and creativity and accelerate manifestation."

 I know I am saving up for one.  They aren't as expensive as you might think ($89). 

All I know is that twice this week the first thing I saw when I got on my computer was one of these miracles of luminescence put up on my wall at Facebook by my new friend and soul sister, Deanne Fry.  I took the first one to be a symbol of my new beginning on living my life's purpose.  I am filled with wonder at what gifts synchronicity (and Deanne) will bring me next.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PREVIEW OF COMING ATTRACTIONS

ALEKSANDRA SASHA NATALYA PETROVA (aka Sasha Petrova, "The American Lady Who Isn't Afraid of Color, Smurphgirl, Smurphy, and I think there's more) originally from Seattle Washington now of Mazatlan, Mexico is coming to visit.  She is the author of the recently published autobiographical A Leaf In The Wind. 

Here are a few reviews from Amazon.com.:

4.0 out of 5 stars Honest and brutal with a touch of humor, August 4, 2010
By Zoe F. Jussel "zoesterone" (Bisbee, arizona) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   
If one can say a topic like this can have humor and still be like a knife in the gut, then so be it. Sasha Petrova has a way of weaving a true life story to capture the heart and soul of this type of abuse, but coming out of the dark tunnel to light and with a wicked sense of humor. How she can be the strong and solid walk-on-earth type of person she is, creates a large arena for question. Read the book; you don't have to have the same experience, you can be a man or a woman, a girl or a grandmother; there is a place for all of us in this story. Great first effort and I know we will see many more.


Village Cantina Linda Crossley "Zorro" (Mazatlan Mexico) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   
Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: A Leaf On The Wind (Paperback)
Meeting the Author in Mazatlan was my introduction to A Leaf On The Wind - curiosity lead me to download her book on my Kindle. I was blown away by the brutal honesty Sasha shares exposing herself to readers. Her story is heartbreaking and real. I found myself wondering how a person could go through a life like this and come out the other end in one piece. I couldn't put the book down - If I didn't know better, I would have thought this book was totally based on a fictional life of a person on a runaway roller coaster. If you have suffered abuse, Sasha may share insights to help you get through it, if you haven't suffered abuse you will be truly grateful for your own life.



5.0 out of 5 stars Inspiring, October 14, 2010
By Gayle Farmer "PSKITTY" (Palm Springs, CA USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   
This review is from: A Leaf On The Wind (Paperback)
This book is both heartbreaking and uplifting as it takes the reader along on the perilous journey that was the author's childhood.

This reader's emotions ran the gamut from anger to outrage, then profound sorrow as her family, church, school and the system failed Valerie again and again. Her final victories are sweet reading after the pain and fear of her early life, satisfying and uplifting.

Petrova is a survivor in every way imaginable, strong yet vulnerable and always hopeful. An excellent debut novel by an author who inspires us all. We'll be hearing more from Petrova.

------------------

I have read this novel and been  turned inside out by it,  I am amazed by her ability to not just survive the trauma she endured, but overcome it, heal and forgive.  I am proud to call her my friend and a writerly sister and mentor at FanStory where I continue to enjoy installments of the mystery she is working on and the series of humerous short stories on life in Mazatlan (hilarious), soon to also be made into a book,  as well as her other stories and poems.

So we can look forward to her coming very soon.  I will tell you more about her then.    It is generous of her to take the time out from a real press tour to visit little old MsRefusenik.

Nelson Mandela with quote

DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE?





We've talked a lot lately about knowing your life's purpose.  If you don't know what you are supposed to do in your life, how do you find out?

Sometimes a liberal education or talents in one area aren't enough to pinpoint your purpose in life.  It helps to know what direction you're headed so you can be on the right path and start fulfilling your soul's mission and your life's aspirations.

Some people just seem to be born knowing.  They say things like, "All my life, from the time I was little boy or girl, I wanted to be a writer, or a doctor, or a musician, or an archeaologist."

Some people are born into families where their choices feels restricted.  Your father was a lawyer, his father was, your great-grandfather was and everyone assumes you will study law too.   But you want to be a baker.  Kneading dough for bread is like making love to you.  How can you tell your family you are breaking with family tradition to bake?

Here's one important way to discover your purpose in life:  It is always going to involve something you love to do, something that doesn't even feel like work to you.  When we know our true purpose in life and wake up every morning to apply ourselves to fulfilling it, we can't wait to get up and start the day.  Feelings of joy and excitement begin to percolate as soon as we open our eyes and realize we have another opportunity to do something we love so much.

Ask any artist, writer, painter, musician, sculptor, dancer or actor how they feel about getting up and starting another day in which they know they will get to use their talent.  They can't wait to start!

How do you feel about what you spend the majority of your time doing?  If you dread getting up and going in, if you start feeling quesy on Sunday nights because Monday is right around the corner and you have to go to work, you need to find your life's purpose.

It's always best when we can discover it in our twenties or even our thirties.  In the prime of our lives we can work arduously at whatever the mission is.  Our lives in those decades is all about becoming established in a career, as a family member, as a home owner, as a member of a community in good standing.  It is a splendid time to know who you are and what you want out of life.

But what if you don't have an iota of a clue what purpose your life could possibly have?   You collect tolls all day at the tollbooth.  You sometimes feel like you might start screaming from the tedium of it and the complaints and angry words yelled at you by drivers.  Your stomach is acting up and you drink too much.  It's affecting your marriage and your wife is talking about getting a separation.  You have lost whatever interest you used to take in people, places and activities around you.  You feel like you've been condemned to hell and you will never be free.

Sometimes we have to take risks to discover our life purpose.  We have to try different lifestyles and careers on like we're shopping for a pair of shoes.  You can't know if something fits without trying it on.

But it's hard to just get up one day and say "F*^k it I quit."  It's much easier when you have a direction, a path to follow.

HOW TO FIND YOUR PURPOSE IN LIFE

I really was surprised at how much help I got with this from a book.  The book is The Purpose of Your Life:  Finding Your Place in the World Using Synchronicity, Intuition, and Uncommon Sense, by Carol Adrienne.  This book is no phony scam book of junk.  It's the real thing and it will help you learn a lot about yourself and it may even help you determine your purpose in life.

It begins with finding a power greater (higher power or H.P.) than yourself to which you can unite.  Your desire for union with God or this H.P. causes you to want to take action that you believe is God or H.P.'s will for you.  Things fall into place when you do this. In fact, they work out perfectly and better than you could have done doing your will.

Try an experiment tomorrow.  If you don't usually consciously make an effort to follow God's will during the day, decide that you will and ask this higher consciousness to guide you in that direction in all your words, interactions with others and actions that day.  Then during the day, pause from time to time and remind yourself what you're doing by asking, "Is this what you want?"  You will get a "Yes," "No" or "Wait."  Listen and follow.

Notice all the coincidences and things that are in Divine Order throughout the day.  You might get the very last parking space, a small thing, but you notice it. You get a check in the mail that is totally unexpected.  Out of nowhere, your daughter tells you how very much you mean to her.  Your boss gives you a raise and a great evaluation.  A car headed right towards yours just misses hitting you in a miraculous last second move.

Ask yourself:  Do you want to live in the flow of your life purpose?  Can you admit what's working in your life and what's not?  Do you believe that your intuition is guiding you to fulfill your purpose?  Are you willing to commit to taking small steps toward the things that mean something to you?  Can you let go of struggling for power and attempting to control others?   Do you believe that everything happens at the right time?



1. What did you want to be when you were a child?

2.  When you were a child, what did you love to do?

3.  What activities do you love today?

4.  What are your best qualities?

5.  When do you shine?

6.  What do you excel at?

7.  When are you most yourself?

8.  What do you do effortlessly?

9.  What do you keep being drawn to?

Review your answers.  Put it all together as "I seem to be in the business of..."

Come up with a working purpose statement.

My working purpose statement that I came up with from these questions was:

My purpose in life is to be my authentic self, and share my vision and dreams in creative, loving ways that will have a positive impact on the world and its people.

Today my purpose is less grandiose and more specific, but it definitely was something to go on which was a lot more than I had.  I knew I was writer, but I didn't know what I was supposed to do with my writing.

When you start getting some ideas, perhaps even some images of yourself in various roles will come to mind.  Try making a collage of your life's purpose.  Cut out magazine pictures that remind you of your goals and dreams.  Glue these to poster board.  Scatter photos of yourself and glue them among the magazine pictures to get the idea into your subconscious.  Watch for real life images you run across that remind you of pictures on the collage.  Become aware in dreams and coincidences of the manifestations of connections to your purpose.

Finally, to know your life's purpose and operate from it, pray and meditate.  Nothing is more powerful.  You will find that answers come in people you meet, situations that appear, opportunities that open up and more.  You will know you are on the right path. When you lose that sense, it's time to ask again to do God's will.  Pray and meditate some more.

You will find abundance and joy.

IS SOMETHING JUST PLAIN WRONG WITH YOUR LIFE?




You may not like to talk about it, you don't even like thinking about it anymore, but you know something is wrong with your life.  Your relationships are suffering, you're not happy, it's hard to focus on work when you do go in, and sometimes you feel like feel like you might be losing your mind. 

The worst time for me were the long periods when I knew something was terribly wrong with my life but it didn't know what it was.  If it didn't have a diagnosis, it couldn't be treated.  So I went without help in a mysterious limbo where everyday brought new things that I could not explain, identify or account for to myself. 

Perhaps your wife, husband, partner, friend, parent or someone else close to you has made remarks or asked you questions about the changes they see in you and your behavior.  This may have irritated you and caused you more anxiety since you didn't have any answers for them.

One day you wake up and think it was going to be like one of the good old days and everything was going to be normal for a change, and then like a jack-in-the-box popping out, you'd have what you had come to think of as your "episodes" and everything was off kilter or off into a maze of craziness once again.  

Do you look in the mirror and ask, "What's wrong with me?"

So what do you do to get help?  Are you ready to get help?  You may not be ready yet. 

You continue to see your therapist, but you don't really talk about what's bothering you.

You go to church.

You pray.

You throw yourself into volunteer or service work.

You change these around in your lifestyle, routines and behaviors like buying a new day planner in an effort to stop being chronically late.   Or you cut up your credit cards,  and stop carrying around more than ten dollars at a time.  You go back to trying to just smoke marijuana.  You only drink every other day.  You sign up for a group that will help you get out of yourself.  You take up a new hobby. You take up a new sport or exercise regimen.  But nothing changes the thing, the big thing that is terribly wrong with your life and won't just go away on its own.

Why doesn't it get better?  Maybe you did talk about it in therapy, at least parts of it.  You wrote about it in your journal.  You confided in a friend or family member.  You went to confession and started going to church.  You got up earlier and picked up breakfast on the way to work.  You promised the boss you would have that presentation done by Wednesday and you really made an effort, even giving up your night out and your lunch hours, but you missed the deadline again. 

You forgot to pick up the kids.  You suddenly quit your job or were terminated.  You had your first panic attack.  You bought a new car you know you can't afford.  You stole money from your own mother.  You haven't been out of bed except to go to the bathroom in three weeks.  You thought you saw your dead grandfather in your bedroom.  You hit your wife.   You got to the grocery store and couldn't remember a single thing you had come to buy.  You received over one hundred dollars in overdraft notices from the bank. Your mind is constantly racing and you can't focus.   You told your boss to f**k off.  You promised your husband you would come straight home from work,  but you didn't make it home until three in the morning.  The dishes in the sink haven't been washed in a week.   You lost your house keys again.   You forgot your anniversary.  You made a huge spectacle of yourself in public.  You made a pass at your boss's wife.  You fell down and badly injured yourself.  You haven't slept in three days.  You promised your son you would help him with his homework,  but then you got distracted by something else.  You took an overdose of sleeping pills.  You slit your wrists.  You had a heart attack, a stroke or some other serious medical crisis.

These are the type of things that go on happening when It doesn't have a name. It is the mystery ailment that sets you apart from others and wreaks havoc in your life without leaving its calling card.

True, we all know,  denial is not just a river in Egypt.  Denial can be a major or the largest factor in going without help for long periods.  Shame, feelings of self-hatred, low-self esteem, feelings of failure, dishonest thinking hiding out and covering up as a way of life can be factors.  Not being willing to even look into what it might be for fear you'll get an answer that will require a major lifestyle change is another.

What typically forces a person in this predicament to go looking for the answer?  Sometimes a separation or divorce will jar someone into taking action.  A death of a family member or friend can motivate a person to find out what exactly is wrong with their life.  A child expressing fear, disappointment or disrespect can get through the fog and trigger a reaction in a parent.  A major medical crisis or a suicide attempt is sometimes enough to send someone looking for real help.

Where Do You Go First?  What Do You Do?'

You begin with self-honesty.  You face the man the man or woman in the mirror and get as honest as you still know how to be.   It may be that you really don't know and you aren't in denial. Then if you go to a doctor, a psychiatrist or therapist, look up your symptoms on the Internet, call a crisis phone line, or just talk to somebody and be open about what has been going on with you. 

My Undiagnosed Years:  Sometimes we're the last to know.


I had know idea that my inability to get out of bed and take an interest in life was clinical depression.  I was waiting for it to go away on its own.  As if  I really was just in one long bad mood or having an attack of self-pity,  as the people around me seemed to suggest with their "snap out of it" themed remarks.

And I love the title of the self-help book You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Crazy or Stupid? because that was sure how I felt when I learned I had adult attention deficit disorder (A.D.D.).   I also learned I had not lived up to my potential since childhood because of A.D.D.

I really thought I had to be losing my mind when I had bipolar disorder and didn't know it.  (I wasn't though, thank God.  It's not a psychosis.)   I called that thing that was out off center in my life in a big way "severe, chronic and terminal PMS" to my friends and husband, and I sought help from gynecologists. 

When my drinking progressed to daily binges,  I got creative.  I knew I couldn't be an alcoholic.  My parents were alcoholics,  and I knew what they were like:  a couple of out of it drunks who staggered around and slurred when they spoke.   No, I was special.  I had a rare mental illness which might look for all the world  like alcoholism,  but was really a neurological illness of some kind that caused a person to have to drink every day.   They emotionally and mentally had to drink because  they were entirely too sensitive for the crassness of this world.  I was an artiste--a writer--and I was unique. Yeah, and then I got better and told people how "terminal uniquitis" almost killed me.  Because if no one has a diagnosis for you, that means help isn't forthcoming.  

Drugs?  I rationalized to any "straight" person that would listen that I "mostly" just smoked marijuana and everybody knew that should be legal because it was harmless.

The problem with my thinking, my denial,  was that I didn't include psychedelics, which everyone knew were a sacred consciousness-raising drug.  Nor did I feel like including all the bottles of codeine cough syrup I drank, the many, many bottles of barbiturates, amphetamines and  pain killers;  cocaine, hash, and many more,  including the odd pills I found on the ground and then later looked up in the Physician's Desk Reference to see if they were worth taking or not.

So that covers my mysterious thing that took control of my life at various ages and caused it to become something I didn't recognize as my own.

 How About You?  Are You Ready To Call It By Name?

How about you?  Are you ready to cut through the denial and admit what earthquake is causing the aftershocks that have altered your life for the worse?

Things You Can Do:

 Write out all the symptoms your experiencing and see how many are branches of a common tree.  Go talk to your minister, priest or rabbi; employee assistance program person, counselor, doctor, or spouse/significant other.  Listen to their feedback and let it in before you discount it.  Are a number of people close to you all telling you the same things?   You could try an open meeting of a self-help group where you don't have to be a member to attend.  You also don't have to participate, but you will be able to listen and see if you belong there.

To get you started I'm going to include links to some simple quizzes to check yourself for signs and symptoms of these conditions.   The rest is up to you.  How long do you want to stay miserable?  Isn't it time to make a break a break for wellness? 

Remember, you only need to make the change in your life for one day.  You can do anything for one day.  You can build a house all by yourself.  You just have to do it brick by brick.

I hope this is your first brick.

1.  Are You Bipolar?

2.  Are you an addict?

3. Are you an alcoholic?

4.  Do I have adult attention deficit disorder (A.D.D.)?

5.  Do you have depression?

MY RETURN TO MY LIFE AFTER LEARNING MY LIFE'S PURPOSE



And now "it's time to end this dark cocoon and spread my gorgeous wings and fly away."  --Joni Mitchell, The Last Time I Saw Richard.  Returning home to see what work needs to be done, what action taken, now that I know my soul's mission, my life's purpose. 

The book I read every morning, Life's Companion: Journal Writing as a Spiritual Quest by Christina Baldwin continues in a parallel universe to guide me through every step of my growth and change.  Today's chapter was "The Point of Return."

"You are coming into your soul.

I am entering the level of transformation we have endured and the consciousness of that transformation becomes real."

Here's a point-on description of exactly where my transformation has dropped me off:

"We have undergone a restructuring of our belief system, our self-concept, and our life purpose.  The outer trappings of our lives may still look relatively undisturbed, but internally tremendous change has taken place.  We may not be ready, or able, for all of these changes to manifest themselves on a daily basis.  We want to hold them steady while we practice looking at the world from the perspective of the new self."  (p.305)

And I feel brand new, like I've just been born.  I want to test my strengths and capabilities because I don't know the full extent of my powers yet.   This is not a dream or another fantasy created by my ego for attention.  This is real.  I have found my soul's mission and my life's purpose and it has transfigured me.

"You look in a mirror and see a familiar stranger looking back."  I notice that I have lost weight.  I look focused.  I feel lighter and transplendid.  I am beautiful on the inside, powerful and ready and willing to serve.  All I have to do to stay on this level of transformation is be authentic.  If I act, speak and write from my One True Voice all is as it should be and on the path called my soul's mission,  and doors open and invisible hands reach out to help. 

My inspirational thought for the day from today's Daily Word was "All things are possible with God."  Yes, yes, yes.

I've crossed a line and I don't know anything about life on this side.  I might change anything and everything to fit the transformed authentic me from my friends to my clothes. 

The adventure of being someone new and ready to take risks thrills me to my core.  I have needed this badly for a long time.  I was stuck in inertia and ennui.  I let procrastination and indecision rule my life because I didn't know what direction I was headed.   Now I have a path and a direction.

I asked for help again today.  I think it's important to alert your spirit guides, and  pray for guidance and the right decisions when trying to do God's will.  I ask help from God, the Holy Spirit, angels--especially my guardian angel whose name is Mira; St. Theresa and all the saints, my spirit guides, mentors and teachers; my sister Patti on the other side, as well as others over there like my good spiritual friend, Betty Couch and my Aunt,  Eileen Jacus and my Dad,  Bill Grady.  Oh, and my childhood role model, my grandmother, Nannie.  She is always watching over me and praying for me.  I feel the help and guidance of these spiritual teachers and guides in my thoughts, words and actions.

Journaling Exercise:  Who are you now that you are not who you thought you were?  How has the journey changed you?  What of your old life is coming with you?  What do you need to allow to drop away?

I am not the high-falutin career woman and wildly successful writer I fantasized about with her very together platform down to a designed logo and promotions on radio and TV.   I laugh when I think of the vision board the old me created of her dreams of luxury homes down to the bathroom fixtures, swimming pools and world travel photos.  I may not get all that now because like Bob Dylan sings, "You know you're gonna have to serve someone." 

Oh Boo hoo!  And I thought I might not be the last American to get a cell phone after all.  I guess maybe I still might be.

No possessions to possess and control my life.  No reasons to buy burglar alarms and expensive home-owner's insurance.  No fears and worries about what is mine being taken from me.  "When you've got nothing, you got nothing to lose."

I am just Maryellen Theresa Grady as myself.   I am coming into my own.  My life makes sense for the maybe the first time.  I am an alcoholic, addict, and suffer from bipolar disorder, depression and was a non-custodial mother with all the shame that brings.  My job is to reach out and touch the hearts and minds of those who are still suffering with the things I have overcome or found recovery in.  I will reach them through my talent of writing and what will be my new talent, speaking.  (I am joining Toastmasters.)

I know all I have to do to serve besides walk the walk to entitle me to talk the talk, which I have already done, is be authentic, speak and write with One True Voice, do God's will not my will, be honest and humble.  If at least one person with one of those conditions finds hope in my story I have succeeded.  One person saved is enough for a life's purpose. 

I have an advantage in knowing what it feels like to help in that way and what the rewards are.  As a substance abuse counselor for ten years I often found myself losing myself in serving another's needs and finding a voice, strength and capabilities more powerful than my own simply because I was doing God's work. 

Who am I now that I am not who I thought I was?  I am not my ego's puppet.  I am my higher consciousness is some form.

I will not be lulled into inactivity by fantasies, grandiose goals and unreachable dreams.  I am a strong, powerful and inspired woman of action.  I will begin on my mission today.  I will use the personal qualities, strengths and skills that have been lying around getting rusty from disuse.  I DO know how to organize when I try.  I do have the intelligence to learn new things and apply them to my plans.  I am not the lazy, procrastinating slug of the past.  I am ready to take the plunge and begin to make a difference.  I can start and I can complete a task.

Today I will take the first steps in setting up a self-help support group for adults with attention deficit disorder.  I have to-do lists, goals  and addresses of where to get materials, handouts, literature, and contact A.D.D. coaches.  I'll check out Meetup and see about starting it through there.  I am taking inventory of my own A.D.D.  disorder.  I made a list of 50 negative traits I still have due to this brain chemical inbalance that I want to get help for and change.  I plan to ask therapists and coaches to come to the group and give free presentations on different treatment aspects in exchange for free advertising.  I plan to fully love myself to better love others and that means I don't have any room for low self-esteem and the things that cause me to have it.


I want to develop more compassionate listening skills.  As they say in A.A., "I am responsible whenever anyone, anywhere reaches out for help."  That is now my mantra.

I dreamed big and now I must take large and extensive actions.  God is with me.  I can do anything with God.

The journey has changed me because I have less fear.  I don't feel like I am socially ill at ease or shy.  For crying out loud, I am about to do the number one most-feared activity reported on a survey of Americans.  I am going to be doing public speaking, which is more feared than skydiving.  I am ready to make new friends and meet new people.  I am willing to give up my hermit status and leave the cave, and get out and see the world again. 

I don't feel made out of whipped cream.   My substance is now something much sturdier.  I am ready to make up my own volunteer program since I never could seem to find a volunteer opening that I could connect with to my satisfaction.


 It is clear as crystal that I must now give away what I have received.  There were many people who were there for me when I was down and out.  Now it's my turn.

I am finally able to make commitments and take the actions necessary to fulfill them.

I am no longer a trivial person. 

Things that are coming with me from my old life:
--Risk-taking and impulsivity.
--Adventurousness.
--Honesty.
--Years of recovery and working recovery programs.
--Writing talents.
--Freedom.
--Friends.
--Children.
--Family.
--Fighting with periodic depression.
--50 negative traits from A.D.D.
--Procrastination, messiness
--Fear, shyness
--My inner critic, self-blame, guilt and shame.
--Funkiness

Things I need to allow to drop away:

--Fear.
--Depression.
--Fear, shyness.
--50 negative A.D.D. traits.
--Procrastination, messiness.
etc.

I vow not to forget and to live by the six daily principles for aligning with my life's mission:

1.  Act on passion -- take a stand.

2.  Be discerning.  Let my passions dictate actions.  Don't just put in time or go
     through the motions.  Be authentic and do it from the heart or don't do it.

3.  Listen - be a compassionate listener. Follow through on the messages I receive
     from the many synchronicities sent to me each day.

4.  Connect - Do whatever it takes to put me in motion doing what my intuition
     tells me to do.  Listen to that still small voice and then follow its directions.

5.  Stay open - Let synchronicities confirm that you are on the right path even
     when the meaning is not totally clear.

6.  LEARN TRUST - Trust the process, trust the Universe.  Trust intuitions.  Trust
     self.  Let go and let God.

SOME THINGS I BELIEVE AND ME AND MY OLD BUDDY, LIFE



I believe that:



1.  Becoming compassionate can save human beings and this planet.

2.  We are all one in different bodies.

3.  No one is greater or lesser than other.

4.  Each person is born with gifts that can contribute something great to the
     world.

5.  We cannot love another until we love ourselves.

6.  "Falling in love" is a shallow, superficial Hollywood fantasy, and real love is a
      a commitment and a decision.

7.  Every action, word and even thought we put out into the universe comes back
     to us.

8.  Goodness is surely its own reward.

9.  You cannot know your life's purpose nor how you are to live if you are not
     your authentic self

10.  Kind acts and words send ripples that go on forever.

11.  You give a great gift of healthy self-esteem when you reflect a person's good
        through your mirror of non-critical judgment.

12.  Sensitivity is strength, never weakness.

 13.  Good poetry transports the mind and soul.

14.  Love is forever.

15.  There is no death only a moving on to a different plane of consciousness.

16.  Unconditional love abounds.

17.  God's love knows no restrictions or limits.

18.   Angels are real and watch over us throughout our lives.

19.  Unless we fill our souls with spiritual food, there is a gaping, sucking hole
        that wants to be filled with anything:  food, drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling...

20.  Children are our most precious treasure and sacred responsibility.

21.  All illness and disease begins in the mind.

22.  The mind-body connection can overcome any degree of disease or illness.

23.  All things are possible with God.

24.  Resentment blocks the sunlight of the spirit and results in cancer and other
        diseases.

25.  We must learn to forgive from the moment we first feel a resentment or ill
        will toward another forming.








HOW DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR LIFE?  ARE YOU BUDDIES?  IS HE/SHE A CRITICAL NAG?  WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP DO YOU HAVE?


 
 Journaling Exercise:

1.  Write a story called, "My Life and I."
2,  See yourself as an active character in your life.
3.  Do you enjoy each other's company?
4.  How do you treat each other?
5.  Do you trust each other?
6.  If your life were a person what attributes would it have.
7.  Do you agree on your purpose?

My Response:


  My Life and I

My life and I were cruising in the garbage can on wheels, bright purple, doing 90 all the way with no cops anywhere.  Life and I are good company for each other.  We basically get along pretty well.   Life doesn't much care that I don't clean house or attempt to create any order or organization out of the chaos that is my living environment.  Life could care less that I'm always broke and bouncing more checks that get more overdraft fees that keep me from ever getting the balance into the black.

Basically we jibe.  Life has learned not to expect too much out of me but for pipe dreams, fantasies and lists of goals.  And as long as I don't pick up the first drink or illegal drug, she trusts me.  Things were pretty hairy when I was using and drinking though.  I didn't know what would happen next, and life sure wasn't taking any bets.  Life still gets nervous if I miss my A.A. meetings.

We like a lot of the same things.  We both like journaling and reading for hours when we wake up.  Life never tries to hurry me or tells me to put a fire under that burner.  Life is cool about my wasting my days goofing on the Internet chasing every shiny moving object like a cat instead of doing my freelance work or anything constructive.  No, I have to check my e-mail accounts every hour or so, see who is up and around at Facebook, and see what's going on at Twitter.  I do a search for something I need for an article I'm writing and end up spending hours reading some of the links that popped up in the search that didn't belong like book reviews, articles, news items, etc.

If Life were a person I bet she'd be peppy, energetic, curious, non-judgmental, easy-going, calm, kind of a geek, helpful, and  humorous. (She mocks me and teases me all the time.)   Life, yes sir, life would be one to roll with the punches.  She's flexible, resillent.

I do know that Life secretly wishes that I would provide more financial security for us and some financial freedom, but then she knows me too well to really expect that to happen. It's just too hard for me to care about things like that and take it seriously.  I do know we both want to swim in the ocean once more before we leave this gorgeous planet though.

Life wasn't a hippie like I was and is much more materialistic.  She grew up in a lower-middle-class home.  She dreams of big honking luxury homes, vacations in tropical islands, and TV's the size of the living room.

But my purpose in life has nothing to do with that crap. I hope Life can accept that I am here to be authentic and to touch hearts and minds through my writing, and share my experience, strength and hope with those who still suffer from the diseases and disorders I am recovering from.  We are all meant to serve.  Unconditional love and service brings bliss and great personal rewards of fulfillment and satisfaction.

I asked Life the other day, "Hey, ol' buddy, can we get real here for a sec?  I'm just not that interested in being an entrepreneur or in publishing a bunch of books and magazine articles right now. You are just going to have to accept me in sickness and in health, in richness and in poorness."

She just got all quiet and, as usual, didn't pick up the tab for our lunch.  Oh well.  She'll come round.

I FOUND A NEW BLOG AND A NEW FRIEND: SYNCHRONICITIES

It has been an extraordinary day.  I had a major epiphany about how I need to get really authentic in thought, word, writing and all interactions if I am to fulfill my life's purpose.  I took a risk and came out of the closet on all my blogs about the fact that I am recovering from bipolar disorder, A.D.D., alcoholism, addiction, depression and am a former non-custodial mother.  It felt good, but I didn't feel like getting into my whole complex web of stories about each.  Soon though.

I made a wonderful, life-altering new friend, Deanna.  She sent me a link for her blog after I listed mine with network blogs under the category spiritual on FB. It blew me away.  I am linking to her post on synchronicity now.  She is a healing survivor out to help others who are incest victims.  She shares the most amazingly honest spiritual and personal insights.  Many of her views are the same or similiar to my own.  

She travels the world and I read a post tonight about an amazing adventure in Israel.  Everyone must see that is unique and special.  People intuit that she is a sensitive, compassionate and probably psychic person who is healing and wants to help heal others.

She is my new FB friends for the little that that has come to mean.  More important, I plan to make her friendship and keep her and her remarkable blog in my life for some time.    Read this post on synchronicities and see if she isn't a very amazing, unusual and extremely honest and spiritually awakened woman.

'ONE THING YOU CAN'T HIDE...'


I had a huge epiphany today.  It was the result of reading a chapter titled "Learning to Follow" in my current favorite book:  Life's Companion: Journal Writing as a Spiritual Quest by Christina Baldwin.

This chapter begins, "Our primary task in life is to discover and define our life purpose and then to accomplish it to the best of our ability." (p 257)  I finally figured out my purpose in life this year.  It is to use my God-given talent of writing to touch minds and hearts and help others.  Today the how-to's appeared in my journal writing and reflections.

Please ignore my crazy talk, once again, about becoming an expert in your niche and building a strong platform.  It grows like dandelions just from contact with the Internet.  Yesterday, before I had my inner awakening, I was planning to write an e-book on becoming an expert in your niche writing area.  I Googled it and discovered there are hundreds of such books, some book length, and many costing over $50 by the way.  The world does not need another.

That's neither here nor there.  The wake-up call I had today was the result of a journaling exercise from the book that looked at the conditions I set on my willingness to be led.  And remember I have written about it in my blogs, I set out each and every day praying to do God's will that day.  That is what I mean to follow.

The exercise then asks what are your conditions for being led to fulfill your life's purpose.  Okay, I want to reach out and touch people and help them.  I want to learn compassion.  I want to evolve and become enlightened.  Here are a few conditions I place on doing God's will and fulfilling my purpose in life though:


       1.  It must result in fame and abundance.
       2.  It must involve publication of my writing and money.
       3.  It must make me an authority figure and important ("expert" "go-to
            person").
       4. It must make me respected and looked up to by others.
       5. It must make me wealthy.  (What happened to the Law of Abundance?
           Must have been afraid it wouldn't be generous enough with me in the
           manifestation department.)
       6. It must involve my being a prolific writer with many publications including
           national print magazine articles, e-books and books.
       7. It should involve spiritual beliefs--for show or for real?
       8. It should give me a sense of accomplishment, achievement, and
           fulfillment.  (Not "Look what I was able to do by God's grace, but look
           what the great I did, me Maryellen Grady.  I did this all by myself.)
       9. It should not involve any one-to-one meetings with individuals.
     10. It should keep me in the limelight--teaching, speaking, publishing, writing,
           consulting...

How's that for hubris to start chopping through to get to the authentic person and work on getting some humility?  Because I know one thing:  No one, no matter how bad they're hurting, wants to be helped by a windy, know-it-all, pompous ass.  You can only reach others with humility and honesty.

I am not going to complete my mission in life if I don't put my gigantic ego aside and allow myself to be led by God's will for me.  It's that simple.

Here's the closet I am stepping out of in order to begin to live authentically:  I am recovering from and living with treated bipolar disorder, adult attention deficit (A.D.D.), alcoholism, addiction, depression and being a non-custodial parent for most of my children's lives.

And wham bang out come the labels:  Insane, a drunk, a druggie, crazy, fruitcake, flaky, slow, not all there, a downer, an unfit mother... I'm sure I've been called them all and worse.   I am happy to say that I have gotten and am getting help.  I see a psychiatrist regularly, take medication for A.D.D., depression,  and bipolar disorder, go to A.A. meetings and try to work the program, and have some kind of relationships with my grown children today.

That wasn't so hard to confess.  Of course it will be when people start commenting that as an addict and alcoholic alone I deserved to lose my children.

I don't feel like sharing the whole long story right now.  It might sound like I was just making excuses.  So I can come out now.  I am not an ugly duckling but a swan that was in hiding and owning up to its true self.  Now I can re-oin my people in recovery groups.  This has convinced me to look harder for a local adult A.D.D. support group.  I sometimes need to speak with people who speak my language.

I know many, many people struggle with the illnesses and disorders I have survived by the grace of God.  If I am allowed to share my experience, strength, and hope and it helps even one person, I can say I fulfilled my life's purpose.

I will share more about these illnesses from a personal viewpoint in future blog posts unless people let me know they don't want to hear it.  The heartbreak to all of them is that you're sometimes the last person to find out that you suffer from them.  No one wants to be an alcoholic, addict or say they are chronically depressed in this society which urges us all to put on a happy face and fake it until we make it.  We don't want to label ourselves with something like adult attention deficit even when we live in chaos, clutter, and can't focus or get organized to save our lives.  We blank it out as working too hard or stress.  The non-custodial mother rarely discloses her status if it can be helped.  She knows the criticisms she will feel as well as hear.

This is another step in building my self-esteem and accepting myself.  I know if I don't love myself I can't love others.  I must stop the self-blame and shame game and love myself unconditionally whether others accept me as I am or not.

"One thing you can't hide is when you're crippled inside."  --John Lennon, Crippled Inside




     




 


   

IT'S YOUR CHOICE; COMMIT OR FLOUNDER

Thursday, October 7, 2010


New UFO video filmed over Rockingham in Western Australia 7-Oct-2010

 

Latest UFO sightings - We wouldn't want anybody to miss the latest UFO video of unknown object flying in the sky over Rockingham in Western Australia. This footage was recorded on Thursday, 7th October 2010 at 7 pm.  It doesn't look like much from here, but I can't put in all the plugins because I have a stupid Linux and you can't even put an Adobe flash in them for some insane reason. 


"Witness report: Filmed by Dylan: UFO Captured at 7:00pm in Rockingham Western Australia. UFO sits in one spot and vanishes as I grab the bin so I could put my camera on it to get a better view of the craft" .


I'm guessing that, as usual where these things appear, Rockingham isn't too populated.  Those UFO space aliens like to keep a low profile.  They never seem to fly over Las Vegas or L.A.

And that and Venus going retrograde about cover the news that's fit to blog.  "In the early hours of the morning on October 8th Venus stations retrograde (backwards)  to begin her long journey into the underworld. From October 24th until November 4th Venus completely disappears from the evening sky, and this is the time of the mythological story of Inanna and Erishkigal. The goddess Venus is symbolically stripped of her adornments and left as just a hanging skeleton of bare bones- she gains the strength of Saturn which is committment and integrity." Read more of Venus's interesting history here: 

Now let's get down to the business of creating a brand, a platform, becoming an expert in your niche writing area(s), whatever you want to call it.  I wrote against all that in this blog not long ago, but in my better interests I have changed my mind.  God wants me to have a successful career and to be able to get my message of universal love, higher consciousness, and unity or Oneness out to everyone.  For that message to travel farther I need to be an expert.  I need a platform.

That Kendra Bonnett at Women's Memoirs is such a wonderful writer and reporter.  She has already done my work for me and collected, "Lists for Writers:  10 Tips for Building A Writing Platform for Your Memoir, Book or e-book."  She has collected what have to be ten of the best lists of things to include for a powerful platform package.  Check them out.  I'm sure you will find some new ideas.  I bet you hadn't considered making audiotapes,  giving presentations in your community, and attending book signings to get to know the book movers and shakers in your area.  

A writer's platform in case you don't know, is a tool you use to promote yourself and sell your writing.   A strong writing platform helps you become an entrepreneur and a marketing whiz without seeming to sell anything. 
 In our modern technological age, it’s possible and not too difficult to do.
I am in the very early stages of starting the writing of my e-book on how to become an expert in your niche area(s).  It is a lot easier than you may think.  

There are so many things you can do to improve your status and promote yourself as a source to come to for information on whatever your topic may be.  I have made a list of daily goals to work on towards achieving this goal. 
For part of today's goal achieving, I looked into joining the Toastmasters Club for my area.  It's a step towards being better able to give community and other presentations, teach workshops and classes, and perhaps do public speaking at conferences or conventions.   You never know when you will be called upon to speak in front of a large audience and I want to be prepared.  Also, Toastmasters provides training in various educational programs such as leadership and communication.

Joining Toastmasters couldn't be easier.  Go to Toastmasters: Find A Club and put in your ZIP code and how many miles you are willing to travel.  You will then be shown a list of clubs in your area.  Click on the link for the one that is closest,  and read their information and meeting dates and times.  All you need to do is show up at an open meeting, and they are all open, and sign up.  There's an initial new member fee of $20, and $27 dues every six months.  I for one am not, unlike what some surveys claim about the average American, more afraid of public speaking than skydiving.  You won't find me dropping to the ground from on high, but you may catch me giving a talk at my local library on energy medicine.

I previously posted a list of free and low-cost online classes,  and you'll want to reconsider these too as you build your expert profile.  Many online classes also offer certification units which can come in handy when adding up your credentials for something such as an organization you want to join.

And I hope you are member of LinkedIn.  It's one easy way I know of to network with others who share your interests, join groups that reflect your area of expertise, and buff up your credentials with recommendations and links.  And if you are looking for a job, a new report gave it high marks for recruiting. 
 "
avatar




A June 2010 study by Jobvite revealed that 73.3% of surveyed companies turn to social networking sites to recruit and hire new employees.  Nearly 60% of companies surveyed for the study also reported having successfully hired a new employee found through social networking websites like LinkedIn and Facebook.

Just don't let LinkedIn push you around, and they can get pushy.  They keep shoving my Yahoo address book at me and demanding that I bother more people for connections and recommendations.  I try to ease up on that, but one day I must have been in a crazed fog because I received an e-mail from a woman stating that she could hardly recommend me since she didn't even know me.  Talk about embarrassing!

I listed myself as an alternative health writer.  That's what they call the "headline" of my profile.  I can back that up with my current collection of ongoing published articles for an alternative health newsletter.  I plan to soon start several online classes in that area including energy medicine, wellness coaching, Reiki, and I'll see what else.  Wiki University has a whole alternative and complementary medicine school.  I still need to explore more options.

Just remember that everything and anything is possible.  Don't set your sites too low.  And doors will open when you commit to your plans.

I came across a great quote to this effect today that I had read before.  It's from Goethe:

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness concerning all acts of initiative (and creation),   There is one elemental truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans:  that the moment one definitely commits oneself then Providence moves too.  All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred.  A whole stream of events issues from the decision rising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamt would come his way."

If your life isn't progressing as you wish it would, ask yourself, "What am I deeply committed to?"  Vague notions or daily goals?  Do you lack spiritual discipline?  Are you mindful and focused on your goals?  Or are you a leaf being tossed by every breeze?  The choice is yours.  We are the result of our choices.

------------------------------------------


Journal Exercise:  Set the timer and speed write for 20 minutes about everything you are waiting for.  (Is it Godot?)  Are you waiting for your real life to begin?  This is not the dress rehearsal.  Be honest.  Write fast and get it all down from waiting to find your keys to waiting to go back to school.

"Your daily life is nothing but the expression of your spiritual condition."
                                             --Thaddeus Golas,  The Lazy Man's Guide to Spiritual
                                                 Enlightenment