Quitting the Final Addiction





I hope today's post will be of interest to all those who have overcome or want to overcome an addiction whether it's to alcohol, drugs, sugar, overeating, gambling...
I have already done my time in hell hitting bottom with alcohol and drugs, and then getting clean and sober. No easy feat, but my Higher Power did it for me I believe. By myself I am helpless and hopeless,but I believe I can do it with a power higher than myself: Good old HP.

I also have to contend with adult attention deficit disorder and bipolar disorder, also under control today.

Now I'm going for the big one, the one that can make grown people yell for their mommas it's so hard. The one that people try to break free of over and over again usually until they finally succeed, usually after years of attempts that didn't get the job done.

No, I'm not talking about heroin or even it's more tenacious cousin, Methadone. I'm getting very close to quitting smoking. They say in Overeaters Anonymous that breaking the addiction to food is rough because you still have to eat every day. That's sort of how I feel about smoking. It is part of my life from the minute I wake up till when I go to bed that night.

I smoke with my morning coffee and with my afternoon and evening tea and Diet Coke. I smoke on the phone, when talking to someone in person, after a meal, when I'm writing, proofreading or editing; when I'm worried or just want to unwind and relax. I smoke when I see or read of someone lighting up a cigarette, even fictional characters in novels. I light up when I read the mail, take a break from housework or get aggravated. I smoke when I feel good and when I feel lousy. I stuff my negative feelings like resentment, anger and irritation with somebody by having a cigarette. And I always light up one of my Marlboro Lights when I think about quitting smoking. Fear causes me to smoke too, and I am so afraid of all the unhappy consequences I will endure with a cigarette jones. 

I'm quite sure it's easier for an alcoholic to give up their best friend, booze, or a drug addict to "just say no" (Yeah, right) than it is to give up the old coffin nails, cancer sticks, fags, or a regular smoke (as opposed to a joint) than it is for a long-time smoker to live without nicotine.

There is a Nicotine Anonymous 12-step program, but I go to enough self-help meetings and I'm convinced that sitting around a table with other former smokers talking about cigarettes, smoking and how much we want just one, would make me want to smoke something fierce.

I also am against nicotine aids for myself. Now they are saying that the quit-smoking drug Chantix kills people. I've heard many times of people using the Nicorette gum and then staying on it for years, unable to cut that nicotine addiction. Same goes for patches, electric cigarettes, chewing tobacco and snuff. I am not interested in trading in my smoking addiction for something new I can be a slave to. I have been nicotine's bitch far too long to want to continue with that as my master

Get this: I'm so messed up I once quit smoking for ten years, and returned to it.  I enjoyed being a non-smoker and tasting my food, not having to be distracted by cravings, able to exercise without getting winded, not having to worry if I'll get COPD or lung cancer every single day, and being able to sit through movies without having to miss a part of them.

Ten long years, often fighting the "I'll just have one" lie, and I ended up smoking again as though I'd never quit. To be fair, I was going through a horrendous divorce and custudy battle and bipolar disorder was settling  and causing me to lose my sanity. Still I regret the relapse, as every addict regrets a relapse, and the return to an active addiction.

I also quit for four years after that relapse which lasted years. I went back to my lover cigarettes even after having 1,460 days to think about it. It's madness.

Quitting smoking has been my number one written out goal on every goal-setting list since I last relapsed after the four years around 12 years ago. I'm sick of seeing it on those lists. I have been able to successfully meet quite a few of my other goals, including losing a substantial amount of weight, but that one is a perennial that blooms anew on each list.  I want to draw a line through it in the worst way.

Something happened recently that convinced me it was time to quit. I found an ashtray full of cigarette butts in my son's room one day when I went in there to open a window. He may be 21-years-old and an adult, but the idea of him starting smoking when I am so desperate to quit, and the fact that he's heard enough about the evils of smoking all his life into his adulthood made me very depressed. My daughter just quit three weeks ago. I faced the fact that I am a bad influence. I don't think my son smoked before he moved in with me last November. The kid doesn't even drink.

I confronted him on the butts and he told me some whopper about just getting rid of butts he didn't smoke himself, but he did admit to smoking at work. Smoking is smoking--it's like saying you're just a little bit pregnant. You're either pregnant or you're not. Any way you look at it, he was opening himself up to the worst addiction I've ever known. He claims he will stop now, but I already found out he lies about it.

I am a terrible influence. He asked me when he first moved in to not smoke so much in the house because it was bothering him. Know what I told him? Hitler Youth and assorted fascists have not allowed me to smoke in restaurants, stores, offices, theaters, hospitals, hotels, elevators or even at bus stops out in the open under the big blue sky. My home was my last refuge as a place where I could smoke in peace and, by God, I wasn't giving up that freedom for him or anybody else. What a loving, nuturing mother, eh? Putting my own wants and needs above the legitimate wants and needs of my own son. I deserve to get emphysema and carry around an oxygen canister for years until I turn blue and die.

So I'm going cold turkey any day now. I don't know exactly what day, because I'm too chicken to put a big red "Q-day" on my day planner. I've done it that way before and when Q-day dawns I feel like the guard is locking my cell door.

My insurance gives me eight sessions of smoking cessation therapy with a doctor per year. I spent yesterday trying to locate one in my Zip code but all the phone numbers were wrong and I couldn't make an appointment. I plan to spend another morning trying again. I'm thinking that I might want to be hypnotized too for extra quitting insurance. I've heard of it working for some people, haven't you?

Another plus in my court is that I bought the number one quit smoking book that former smokers swear by and cannot write enough glowing reviews about on Amazon.com. The book is "The Easy Way to Stop Smoking," by Allen Carr. Carr has become the number one guru of quitting smoking. He has some 70 smoking cessation clinics around the country that offer a money back guarantee, ("without quibbling"), which I find incredible given the odds of smoking relapse. He also has a cheaper ($5.95), smaller book titled "The Little Book of Quitting Smoking." He used to smoke himself and only staffs his clinics with ex-smokers. I sure hope his book and website with locations of these money back clinics' five-hour seminars can help me Oh, forget that. Seminars are $350.

Here are some encouraging words from the website:

"Allen Carr's Easyway was founded in 1983. Since then an estimated 10m smokers have quit using his method. Allen Carr's Easyway seminar has the highest independently-evaluated success-rate in the quit smoking industry. It is endorsed by many doctors and dentists, but most of all by happy ex-smokers who have quit with us: over 80% of our seminar bookings are as a result of personal recommendation."

Oh well, I can't be one of the one million attendees who write that it was "fun" to quit with Carr's method, but I've got the book. Apparently the premise of the method is that you're not really "giving up" anything, you're choosing to become a non-smoker. So you, supposedly, can enjoy the experience of becoming a non-smoker. Whoo! I'm laughing and smiling already (I am so sure!).

Are You Afraid of Success? Do You Procrastinate? Maybe You Are.

 Photo:  Mike Schreiber holding his book "True Hip-Hop," by jramspott.  Flickr Creative Commons attribute license.



Procrastination is one great way to avoid success, but there are others you can create.  Why wouldn't you want success?  Success comes with responsibilities, and many people don't care for those.  It is so much easier to not leave your comfort zone with the "Someday I'll _________philosophy."  You take no action and one day die with regrets.  

Some people fear change of any kind.  If you were very successful, you might opt to live elsewhere in a different house, make new friends (and maybe let go of some old ones?), You'd wear different clothes, go different places, do different things?  Would your spouse or partner say they didn't recognize you anymore and leave you?Would any part of your life be the same?  That's some scary stuff,  thinking about all those things changing.

We have choices and not choosing means we won't get our dream that we have been fantasizing about for so long.  We will get nothing or random tidbits that fall on us.  Because we figure if we choose we risk losing.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained, but we tell ourselves at least we didn't lose anything.  But what about the promising opportunities we lost out on?  What if we do try and try hard, and not get our dream?  What then? Think about this:

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory or defeat."  --Theodore Roosevelt

Do you really want to measure out your life in coffee spoons, as T.S. Eliot wrote? 
Do you want to be on your deathbed with deep regrets, cursing the fears that paralyzed you and kept you from choosing, taking risks, and getting into action?

If we succeed we get in touch with our personal power, and not everyone is ready for that.  We are far more powerful than we let ourselves believe.  That power also carries responsibilities, doesn't it?  We have no one to blame bad things on that might happen.  We are obliged more than ever to look out for the weaker souls who have little or no personal power. 

If we choose our dream, what happens to all the other choices we don't choose?  We fear doors closing for good on long-time schemes and pipe dreams. 

Perhaps we feel unworthy of success so we do our best to sabotage it.  We procrastinate on giving birth to an idea we've had that just might succeed.  We don't go back to school ever, after spending years saying we would go back in months or years.  We turn down the promotion because we "don't want the headaches that go with it, which is just another way of avoiding responsibility.  We don't end up sharing our life with the one person we truly loved because we always believed they were too good for us.

We are worthy of success as  are all God's children.  It's we have unique talents and qualities.   We must forgive our selves and others for everything in order to feel worthy.  Resentments of any kind, ancient reasons for self-loathing, must be let go of to begin a new quality of life.  Resentments harbored against another keep us out of the radiant light of the spirit and dwelling in darkness.

Ask yourself honestly if you fear success and accept the truth that comes to you.  Do this:  Make a list of all the reasons you are afraid to succeed and give examples of the actions or failure to act that go with them. 

Do you tell people your dream and share how much you want it, and then do nothing to work towards it?  Do you set goals and priorities that center on choosing your dream?  If not, what do they focus on?  What we give our attention to grows is a well-known truth. 

Now give yourself some positive strokes and make a list of signs that you do want to succeed no matter how small they are.  Are you making any attempts to succeed?  How? Can you rise above the cultural programming that says ordinary people do not find extraordinary success?  You must believe in your dream to bring it to life.  You must not put qualifiers on your success. 

Take one action, even a small one, towards fulfilling your dream today.  Make a vision board you can look at every day that reminds you of what you want in your life in five or ten or twenty years.  Add to it as dreams surface.  Do one thing that you have been procrastinating on for a long time.  At least start action even if you don't complete the whole thing today.

If you have a belief in a power greater than yourself, ask it what it would have you do and to show you the path to it. 

Do it now.  Today.  This moment.  Live a life without major regrets.

Hey, KC, >8-D, :-(O)..., 2bctnd--A Guide to Text Messages and Abbreviations

A friend whose poem I reviewed on FanStory come replied to my ultra-positive words with nothing but this: :-).  Was this some bit of common knowledge that I had missed, I wondered.  A Google search revealed that the author sent smiling face with nose.  Hey, these things are sort of fun when you know what they mean.  Today's headline up there reads in English as, "Keep cool, evil crazed laughter, drooling, to be continued--a guide to text messages and abbreviations.  AB!


Guide to Text Messages:


:) smiling face without nose
:-) smiling face with nose
:( frowning face without nose
:-( frowning face with nose
#:-) smiling with a fur hat
&:-) smiling with curls
*<|:o)> Santa Clause
:-)... drooling
:-7 smirk
:-D grinning
:@ shouting
:`( crying
:-() shocked
:-(O) shouting
:-\ skeptical
:-| determined
:-~) having a cold
:-< cheated
:-9 salivating
:-x small kiss
:-X big kiss
>8-D evil crazed laughter


Text Message Abbreviation List
Some of the text message abbreviations which are used very often have been listed below along with their meanings.

Text Message Abbreviation Meaning
2bctnd to be continued
2g4u too good for you
2l8 Too late
2WIMC too whom it may concern
4e Forever
4yeo for your eyes only
A3 anytime, anywhere, anyplace
AAM as a matter of fact
AB! Ah Bless!
ADctd2uv addicted to love
AFAIK as far as I know
AFK away from keyboard
AML all my love
ASAP as soon as possible
ASL age, sex, location
ATW at the weekend
B4N bye for now
Cm call me
CU see you
CUL see you later
DUR? don't you remember?
EOD end of discussion
EOL end of lecture
F2F face to face
F2T free to talk
FC fingers crossed
FYEO for your eyes only
BTW by the way
FYI for your information
G9 genius
GG good game
GMTA great minds think alike
GR8 great
GTSY great to see you
H&K hugs and kisses
H8 hate
HAGN have a good night
HAND have a nice day
IC I see
IDK I don't know
IMO in my opinion
J4F just for fun
J4K just for kisses
KC keep cool
KIT keep in touch
LOL laughing out loud
M8 mate
MGB may God bless
MYOB mind your own business
NO1 no one
O4U only for you
PCM please call me
PPL people
RMB ring my bell
SOL sooner or later
SRY sorry
STATS your sex and age
T+ think positive
T2ul talk to you later
U4E yours forever
URTO you are the one
W4U waiting for you
WAN2 want to
WRT with respect to
WTG way to go
WUF where are you from
YBS you will be sorry

Use  these text message symbols and abbreviations in your messages or while using instant message services. But bear in mind, that all mobile phones may not compulsorily support these text message symbols.
Shah Newaz Alam put these together and I borrowed them a quick minute.

I now will be signing my e-mails "H&K &:-)" .   I love it.  I'm sure my sister or friends, who aren't kids or Generation-X, Y or Z will be vexed and make me stop playing around when they don't know what I'm saying.  Bunch of killjoys.  Hey isn't there are text message for buzz kill?  I say its #@&*).  Do you think it will catch on?  It has those symbols to indicate that the writer is swearing at you for killing his buzz.  Now send me some of your text messages and abbreviations in the comments section and I'll publish them next time.  Be sure to tell me what they mean.

U4E SRS (stark raving sober),

Maryellen/MsRefusenik

P.S. Yesterday in my writer's resources I mentioned freelance work writing college textbook supplements.  I linked it to the article I read about it.  Today I found out that you can download (free) the first two chapters.  There's good stuff here.  Go get it or buy the book for $29.

Writing and Freelancing Links You'll Thank Me For



 Writers, and freelance writers, want to be productive each day.  They really want to meet the writing goals they have set for themselves for that day.  But first, you have to check your e-mail in all your e-mail accounts and respond to it.  Several e-mails offer newsletters to read, and that takes time.  Writing back to the people who wrote  you, and on and on until you're entirely sucked into the vortex  of e-mail for hours or even most of the day.  

Then you start researching for the article or story you want to write, but Google or whatever search engine spews out some intriguing links that you absolutely must check out.  Then maybe you start wondering what social  interactions you are missing out of  on Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn or Twitter.  This distraction also eats up your time.  

Then it's time to quit for the day to see about dinner, the kids, the spouse or keep a social engagement.  And not one thing can be crossed off your To-Do  list.  Another day shot, and you are not feeling too good about yourself.  

Does this happen to you?  Are you driven to distractions when you are trying to accomplish set tasks?  And it's even worse if you have adult attention deficit disorder, I can tell you.    Some days it's like sinking into quicksand and nothing happens with your well-intentioned plans and projects.

Well I came across the best free e-book that helps you lessen distractions and even disconnect from them.  It's called Focus Manifesto and it's written by Leo Babauta from Zen Habits.   All 28 chapters won't cost you a thing, although there are books for sale in print and Kindle editions. This book helps you feel that you might have a chance to start finishing the daily tasks you set for yourself.

The book is very thought-provoking.  Babauta talks about the side effects of living in our information age such as creeping fears arising when we aren't updating information and learning about the lastest happening. We feel something bad may happen to us if we don't stay informed.  Anything could happen, right?  Someone may judge you as ill-informed or you could miss an opportunity.

This book is way beyond helping you stop playing solitaire at work and gambling at home.  It's about learning how to slow down, enjoy life and have personal freedom in which to read a book, take a walk, listen to music or go camping for a week without a computer.   It tells you how to not live in your inbox.

The book doesn't insist you disconnect from all distractions at once.  It respects the fact that some distractions are necessary and important.   The goal is to find balance.  There are many suggestions for how to accomplish this; for example, each hour focus on tasks for 40 minutes, then take 20 minutes for distractions.  It sure beats all distractions all the time.

I hope you get as much out of the book as I did.  I was desperate to start accomplishing goals and stop my days and nights of noodling on the computer.

Here are some good newsletters for any kind of writer including those who freelance.

Here's a link for you literary folks. Garrison Keillor of radio's Prairie Home Companion has a daily newsletter called "The Writer's Almanac."   You can subscribe for free here.  Each newsletter begins with a unique, usually clever, poem in print and in audio with the poet reading it.  The rest of the newsletter is the most interesting, compelling facts about whatever authors were born on that day.   I am amazed at his information.  I don't know where he digs it up, but he talks about writers I studied in college as an English major and thought I knew, and comes up with off-the-wall stories that would be good reading about Joe Blow.  Really.  If you love books and writers, don't miss this.

Here's a newsletter for freelance writers that I read and enjoy.   Get it free, The WM Freelance Writing Connection.  It has free e-books on marketing yourself and your writing, job listings, and many other resources.  It's also the only place I've seen where you can get a writing buddy to bounce ideas off and to spur you to keep on keeping on.  You write out what you're looking for in a writing buddy and it's matched up with others' requests.  Cool, huh?

One of the absolute best newsletter you can subscribe to for free is Carol Tice's "Make A Living Writing.  When you subscribe (free) you'll get a free copy of her invaluable e-book, "40 Ways to Market Your Writing."  This is an award winning blog, and it was voted one of the top ten writing blogs of 2010.  Carol writes that she started the blog in 2008 because she was and is passionate about seeing that writers get paid what they're worth.  And she knows what she's talking about.  She shares her unbelievable income from her various writing projects and webinars, and she is raking it in.  The articles are outstanding and always about something you can use.  She recently announced that she felt it was only fair to pay guest hosts $50.  See the blog to apply.

Speaking of freelance writing, it was in "Make A Living Writing" that I learned  of a lucrative freelance market in writing textbook supplements.  The guy who guest hosted shared how much he makes and how to get into it.  Read all about it here.

No hand holding. No coddling. No crap freelance writing jobs. Just serious advice for serious freelance writers — that’s what you’ll get from All Freelance Writing.
All Freelance Writing is a freelance writing blog managed by Jennifer Mattern, a freelance business & PR writer, professional blogger, e-book author, and Web developer.  The "About" section says this: "no hand holding. No coddling. No crap freelance writing jobs. Just serious advice for serious freelance writers — that’s what you’ll get from All Freelance Writing.  

In addition to unique and timely articles that aren't same old same old like you often find in these blogs and newsletters for freelance writers, there are job listings, a forum, and other resources including my favorite, "Freebies."    Here you can get various tools and calculators for figuring out freelance hourly rates, e-book sales conversion, keyword density analysis, free Word Press themes and web templates.  But what I have most appreciated are Jennifer's e-books on how to write an e-book in 14 days, and how to write a press release, which includes free distribution companies' addresses.  Not to be missed.

Another helpful newsletter for writers is "Confident Writing." That's where I heard about "Focus Manifesto."   They usually have some great articles too that are not run-of-the-mill.

There are other writing links under links on this blog.  You can get a free education as well as tools you can use and job opportunities.




The Wrong Kind of Risks: Fiction

I wrote this short story yesterday and it's not bad.  In fact, I'm sort of proud of it.  I wanted to share it with you.  Please leave your honest comments and tell me what you think.  I think you will enjoy it. 


        
 Photo: Archetype: The Shadow, by Jone Reed



  The Wrong Kind of Risks, by Maryellen Grady/MsRefusenik




"Good does not become better by being exaggerated, but worse, and a small evil becomes a big one through being disregarded and repressed. The shadow is very much a part of human nature, and it is only at night that no shadows exist." Carl Jung*





"If only someone had stopped me," Jane wrote in her journal. "What happened is in the dead past and can't be changed, but I can change, and I will," she added.

No one tried to stop Jane from what her shadow self was up to, because no one knew. Her friends she never saw or talked to, co-workers, family, and that was a very small group of people, had no idea.

Jane couldn't remember the first time her shadow self had emerged. It might have started after the break-up of her long engagement, or maybe when she was fired as a mental health counselor and told by Jan, the psychiatrist, that she needed help. Something switched in her. She felt out of it and sort of drugged, when she went from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, but she also loved the adrenaline rush, the thrills, and the danger.

She knew from her studies of Carl Gustav Jung in college and since, that a small evil becomes a big one through being disregarded and repressed.

She knew her shadow archetype was running her life, but she didn't have the necessary self-knowledge to make it stop.

Jane had always been a cautious girl, and grown up into a cautious adult. As a child. she refused swimming lessons, rides on Ferris wheels and roller coasters, because she worried she would die. As an adult, she had been at her low-paying, dead-end job for six years before getting fired, ignoring her dream of becoming a writer. Writing was too much of a risk she believed. Other people would judge her writing and find it lacking, her inner critic told her. If she submitted her writing to publications, or sent a query, she would be rejected and she could not face that.

Jane was 31, had a B.S. degree in psychology, and never took risks or chances. She was a woman who owned several umbrellas and used them in the slightest of drizzles. She also wore galoshes to work on days the weather forecaster said there was even a tiny chance of rain. She ate the same seven frozen dinners every week, and was afraid if she altered her diet, her health would suffer. She was attractive but not stunning. She had the same hairstyle she had at 14: Her long copper-colored hair hung long and straight from its part in the middle. She only read New York Times' best sellers, and travel and self-help books along with some biographies and memoirs. She read fiction that had met her standards and values. She avoided authors who drank too much like Hemingway, Faulkner and Fitzgerald. She herself never had more than two drinks at a time. She had given up pot, psychedelics and pills when she was a sophomore in college, after giving into peer pressure freshman year.

She rarely left her comfort zone--her apartment--except to buy groceries, and go to the library or work. She avoided her family, and she didn't believe in socializing with coworkers. She didn't get out to have fun, and mostly forgotten what it was to laugh till your stomach hurt.

Jane wished more than anything she could stop taking admission information from mental patients and make a living writing, but she was so scared of failure. She preferred believing she had a gift for writing, and could write well any time she wished, rather than face failure and be forced to give up that fantasy.

Then one night she slipped into an unlocked car and discovered booty. She loved the thrill of it. She loved the adventure, the danger and the fact that she was actually taking the first major risk in her life.

She started her late night prowling more frequently until she found out she'd made it part of her daily routine. She dressed in pretty much the same outfit everyday: Black jeans, black hoodie sweatshirts in cooler weather and black T-shirts when it was warm. She wore black Keds with black socks, and elbow length black leather gloves to hide her white flesh and prevent fingerprints.

She learned to wear a large backpack and carry a gym bag for all the loot she found in unlocked cars. She was initially amazed by how many people didn't bother locking their cars or turning on their alarms, except for sports cars, luxury cars and SUV's. Although part of her was proud that she never broke into a car by force, she did wish that slim jims worked on the newer cars. She had read up on car alarms and how they were installed, and she always looked for the tiny blinking "courtesy light" showing the alarm was on. A few times she hadn't seen a light, and the alarm sirens went off as soon as she mashed in the door handle with her thumb. She was glad she had on her fast Keds those nights.

After a couple of months of daily night prowling, she started taking more risks. She entered cars parked in private residence driveways and some parked on busy streets. One day she found herself silently opening up a Volvo station wagon door. The Volvo was full of bags, boxes and groceries. She could see paper money on the panel between the front seats. She started to move towards the glove compartment, when she caught herself and asked what the hell she thought she was doing. It was broad daylight, and the car was parked in front of a house. The owner was probably coming to get the stuff out of the car any minute. That incident scared her. Was she cracking up? She wondered.

It was an addiction, she rationalized, and she was powerless to control it. She was addicted to all of the different smells in each car, seeing the various contents of the glove compartment, and checking to see if the trunk was unlocked. She liked to pretend she was invisible. Thinking if she didn't see anyone no one saw her, she moved with confidence, ignoring the lit windows and the cars driving down the streets.

She had grown quite a collection of found sunglasses, filled coin changers for the tollways, flashlights, pens and even maps. She liked to look at them and fantasize where she would move to if she ever felt she was close to getting caught. When that would be, and what would indicate it, she couldn't say.

She also had a nice supply of prescription pills from the glove boxes, and she spent a lot of time looking up the various drugs in the Physicians' Desk Reference she had found in what was probably a doctor's car parked outside a hospital. She was tempted by the codeine, Vicodine, Adderall and a few others. She hoped she wouldn't go back to pill popping. She learned a lot of people must have acid indigestion and reflux. So many medicines for those two things, and Pepcid tabs in every other car. And what was with all that gum, hard candy, Tic-Tacs, breath spray, breath drops and breath mints? The average person must do a lot of kissing, she figured. She left those alone. She hated holding something in her mouth like that.

Before her shadow had had enough of her always cautions ways and refusal to take risks, she had a handful of C.D.'s that she listened to on a little boom box. She had the usual Yanni, Michael Jackson, old John Denver, and Johnny Cash C.D.'s. Now her C.D. collection took up a whole wall in her living room and a large corner of her office. She'd had to buy storage containers for them. She once had been as frugal as her mother. Now when she accidentally brought home duplicates, she just tossed them in the garbage.

Jane had always been on the thin side, now she was wearing a size 2 in jeans and knew she had lost a lot of weight. She just couldn't make herself stop her appointed nightly rounds to go get a bite to eat. Her skin was sort of gray, but she ignored it. She didn't see anyone so no one commented about the changes in her appearance.

She was intrigued by her new behaviors and looked up psychological interpretations online. She was fascinated by Jung's archetypes, and wondered at her own shadow self.

As Christmas approached that year, Jane began to hit a pirate's treasure chest of loot in the cars. Wrapped gifts included things like "Apple® iPad® 2 with Wi-Fi + 3G - 64GB (Verizon Wireless) - Black," according to the box label. She found digital cameras, camcorders, Playstations, and Nintendo Wii players. Her nephews and nieces would love her Christmas presents this year. She had so many cell phones that she stopped taking them. She just couldn't take the risk of trying to sell any of the stuff she found.

Then one freezing cold December night a week before Christmas it happened. She was in the middle of packing up her gym bag with wrapped Christmas presents that covered the entire back seat, when she heard one loud short alarm of a police car. No gumdrop red lights flashing, but the car pulled up and a police officer knocked on the back window and mimed rolling down the window. The cop had appeared so suddenly out of nowhere she couldn't even think about making a run for it.

She rolled down the driver's side window, smiled her best practiced smile and said, "Yes officer, what can I do for you? How's it going?"

"It's kind of late to be out here by yourself, Ma'am. Is everything okay?"

"Oh fine. I was just getting ready to sneak some Christmas presents into my house while my husband and kids are sleeping."

"I'm sorry, Ma'am, I hear what you're saying, but I still need to see your license and registration."

"Please Cosmo, the Universe, or a Higher Power of any kind, let there be a registration in the glove box," she prayed. Her former good deeds must have brought her good karma because there it was.

"Here's my registration, Officer, but I didn't bring my purse with my license, since I was only going to my own driveway. I wasn't driving any place."

Now she felt currents of sweat dripping down her arm and onto her breasts. She hoped he couldn't hear how loud her heart was pounding.

"Okay, then, I'll let it go. It's Christmas. Do you need some help bringing in the gifts?"

"No, I'm fine. Two people might create noise and wake up my babies. They all still believe in Santa. I really don't want them to see me with these gifts."

"Sure. I'll let you get back to work. Please get back in your house and off the streets as quick as you can."

"I will, Officer."

He hadn't driven off the side-street she was on, when she went back to stuffing mystery gifts into her backpack, gym bag, and a new black duffel bag she had found in somebody's car. Then slowly, calmly and quietly she opened and closed the car door without a sound--something she had learned to do with practice.

That morning she looked online for more about Jung's Shadow Archetype. She read this by Jung:


Unfortunately there can be no doubt that man is, on the whole, less good than he imagines himself or wants to be. Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. If an inferiority is conscious, one always has a chance to correct it. Furthermore, it is constantly in contact with other interests, so that it is continually subjected to modifications. But if it is repressed and isolated from consciousness, it never gets corrected.**

She was glad her consciousness was very aware of her shadow. She may have repressed this knowledge at first, but now she accepted it. She wondered if she got into her shadow because of repressing risk taking. Perhaps she had a need to take risks that she denied, and it had gone to the shadow self to see that those urges were fulfilled.

Two nights later she hit the parking lot at the train depot. She figured the cops patrolled it, but told herself she would be careful. She saw a newer red Buick LaCrosse and no little lights were blinking on the dash. She carefully pushed in the door handle and no alarms when off.

The Buick's glove compartment held her third money bag of some business's undeposited money and checks for the night. People were so busy at Christmas time they must not take ten minutes to go to the bank she thought. She didn't see much else, not even any C.D.'s, and she scooted back to the driver's door to go looking for more money bags.

Suddenly she saw a car with its brights on headed down the row of cars she was in. She did her best to duck under the dashboard, being grateful she was only 5'2" or there would be no way. It was one tight squeeze. A flashlight beam ran across the back seat of the car and moved forward to the front. She tried not to move and didn't dare scratch the itch on her nose. She waited for the cop to leave.

The bright beam of the flashlight then hit her in the eyes. She'd been spotted. She was going to be caught red-handed. Those money bags would give her away as soon as she was searched. There'd be no lying and pretending tonight.

"Come out with your hands up," yelled a woman. Now Jane could see the police uniform and the squad. The cop pushed her against the side of the car and demanded that she spread her legs. She searched Jane thoroughly and patted her down after first asking if she was carrying any weapons, a question which Jane couldn't even believe a person like herself would ever be asked.

Jane didn't use the shallow pockets of her jeans for anything but a little change. Clean sweep of her clothing and body. She waited.

"You want to tell me what you were doing in there hiding?," the cop snarled. She was chewing and popping gum loudly. She had short, helmet-style dyed black hair pressed to her head beneath her hat. She must have weighed over 200 pounds. This was one big woman.

"Officer, a man followed me from Nick's Cave down the street. He started screaming at me to come to him. I ran like hell and jumped into the first car I saw and hid."

"You know you're still trespassing on private property no matter what your excuse is? Are those your duffel bags?"

"No, Officer. They were here."

"Well you're wearing the backpack so I know that's yours. Do I have your permission to search it?"

"I'd really rather you not go through my private belongings. There are some personal things in it," Jane managed.

"I can get a warrant if you want to play it that way, but I'll have to take you in and lock you up while I fill out the forms and make the phone calls."

"That won't be necessary," Jane said in her most polite, friendly customer service voice that she used to use on the mental patients. "Here. It's mostly Christmas presents I picked up earlier."

Jane saw her hand's shaking as she handed over the backpack. She hoped the cop hadn't noticed.

"What's your name?" The cop was pulling things out of the backpack.

"Cindy Sue Helper," Jane said, and had to wonder where in hell that name came from.

"These are some expensive Christmas presents--electronics, stacks of C.D.'s, some without cases, and these. She held up the three money bags. These are from three different businesses. Are they your businesses?"

"No, Ma'am. I work for those three businesses, and it's my job to put the day's receipts in the bank."

"What's the names of the businesses, since you work there?"

It was over Jane realized. She hadn't looked and didn't have a clue. She hadn't seen anything but the 20, 50 and 100 dollar bills.

"I am bringing you in on charges of suspicious behavior and car burglary--a felony--by the way. What other crimes have you committed? What will I find on your record?"

"Nothing except a ticket for going through a red light. It was an accident."

She read Jane her rights and handcuffed her. She pushed her by the neck and shoulders to walk to the squad car and get in the back seat behind the steel gate that separated it from where the police sat.

She was terrified. A felony? Shit and goddamn! Didn't you have to commit a misdemeanor first? She couldn't believe this happening to her, Jane Ulrich, cautious, law-abiding Jane for most of her life.

They put her in a cell by herself. She heard male prisoners hooting and hollering at her. She really wasn't in the mood, and hoped they shut up soon.

After an hour or so, a different cop, a gruff male one, came and told her she could make her one phone call now.

She had no one to call. For sure she wasn't calling her mother, sister or brother that lived in the City, or any former coworker. She was so desperate she even considered calling her ex-fiancee for a minute. Finally, she asked to see a phone book.

After wasting $1.00 calling "24-hour" help-lines at two legal aid places and getting recordings, she got a human being. She told the woman her story, and asked if she could help. The woman told her that she would bypass the waiting list since she was arrested and in jail. Someone would be there to represent her later that day.

The lawyer, who didn't show up until after Jane's brief court hearing, told her that since she didn't get probation, and she had no one to pay her $10,000 bond or $1,000 cash, she would probably be sent to Cook County Jail soon. She also learned her new court date wasn't for ten days. She started re-thinking calling her mother.

She finally decided not to upset her mother, and to call her brother. She begged the cop that came to her cell bringing breakfast to make one more phone call. He finally relented, saying it was almost Christmas.

Bill was cold as Frosty the Snowman as soon as he knew who had called. She spit out her plight, condensing it as she told it. She boiled it down to the $1,000 bond, and Bill told her absolutely not. He didn't even have $1,000 he claimed. He'd just paid for his new car in cash, and he was out of "mad money." He chuckled at something, what it was, Jane had no idea. "Sadistic S.O.B." she muttered into the phone, but did not repeat it when he asked what she had said. He abruptly hung up on her without saying goodbye. "Rich f'n bastard" she told the desk phone now back in its cradle.

She spent ten of the worst days of her life locked up in Cook County Jail. She felt like she could write a book about the cruelties, injustices and general horrible and demeaning treatment inflicted on her.

Her lawyer, looking even younger and more wet behind the ears to her, met her in the room outside the court room, where she sat handcuffed to a folding chair. He told her there was a plea bargain on the table and that she should take it. If she didn't accept it, she was looking at the possibility of doing three years in Dwight Women's Prison.

Jane knew that prison had to be worse than jail, and she didn't think she could handle it. She decided to have the word "felon" behind her name on her records for the rest of her life. Now she had to work for herself. She was sure no one would hire her after a background check.

After a few weeks of being home, she began writing about her jail experience. She told the whole story including details about what she had done to get put in there. She revised it and polished it many times, and sent it off to three magazines. "Reader's Digest" bought it. They planned to use it as a deterrent for boys and girls who were considering committing crimes.

Jane framed her first check and kept on writing. She set up a writer's website and began marketing herself as a freelance writer. Soon she was making enough to comfortably support herself.

She was fearlessly taking risks--healthy risks. She was doing what she loved. She didn't catch her shadow side lurking in the background any longer. Everyday she was grateful for this second chance and for the opportunity to follow her bliss.



*"A Psychological Approach to the Dogma of the Trinity" (1942) In CW 11: Psychology and Religion: West and East. P.286

**"Psychology and Religion" (1938). In CW 11: Psychology and Religion: West and East. P.131




Author Notes "The Shadow Archetype of Carl Gustov Jung:

The shadow is an archetypal form that serves as the focus for material that has been repressed from consciousness; its contents include those tendencies desires and memories that are rejected by the individual as incompatible with the persona and contrary to social standards and ideals. The shadow contains all the negative tendencies the individual wishes to deny, including our animal instincts, as well as undeveloped positive and negative qualities.

The stronger our persona is and the more we identify with it, the more we deny other parts of ourselves. The shadow represents what we consider to be inferior in our personality and also that which we have neglected and never developed in ourselves. In dreams, a shadow figure may appear as an animal, a dwarf, a vagrant, or any other low-status figure.

The shadow is most dangerous when unrecognized. Then the individual tends to project his or her unwanted qualities onto others or to become dominated by the shadow without realizing it. Images of evil, the devil and the concept of original sin are all aspects of the shadow archetype. The more the shadow material is made conscious, the less it can dominate. But the shadow is an integral part of our nature, and it can never be simply eliminated. A person who claims to be without a shadow is not a complete individual but a two-dimensional caricature, denying the mixture of good and evil that is necessarily present in all of us."***

***"Transpersonal Pioneers: Carl Jung, the Shadow," Institute for Transpersonal Psychology, Palo Alto, CA
http://www.itp.edu/about/carl_jung.php

Pays one point and 32 member cents.

I Want To Go On A Retreat, Do You?

   By gurdonark -  Robert Nunnally
Creative Commons Share License
http://www.flickr.com/photos/46183897@N00/with/244845125/

Let's call this unnamed photo the quiet purple trail.  I wish it showed a lake or ocean beach too, and then it would be a perfect place to have a camp out retreat.

I have had it on my list of goals for a year to go on a spiritual and/or writing retreat.  So many that I have found in my searches are just too far or too expensive.  Then today I picked up a catalog that was sitting in my unread mail for weeks.  It's for R&R or spiritual or yoga or whatever kind of retreat you want at The Omega Institute in the Hudson Valley, New York.  Sign up and get a catalog because there are workshops, courses and events that you will be excited about if you're at all interested in spiritual growth, mindfulness, learning more about writing, creativity, yoga, chanting, comedy improv, songwriting, raw foods & healing herbs and so much more.  The tuition for these runs about $250-$425.  You can save money by commuting and not staying at the beautiful 90 acre community built with a lake on it for swimming.  Without courses, workshops or accommodations, the R&R retreats are only $25/day for weekdays and $38/day for weekends.

One of my favorite writers gave a workshop in May.  Julia Cameron, "The Artist's Way, was there.  There's a women's wellness retreat August 14-19, 2011.  it runs $425.

They do offer partial and full scholarships, but except for women with breast cancer or survivors of the disease, most are gone this time of year.  The scholarships and the seasonal jobs which offer free courses, yoga, open workshops, the lake, a library and more start going in February.  You get free room and board, three vegetarian meals a day, a small stipend and other perks.  If you can do office work, wash dishes or cook, be a lifeguard and similiar seasonal jobs, you have a good chance to spend your summer there at no cost to you.

For more suggestions, try "Retreat Finder." Retreats are listed both by state and region of the U.S.  Some are very reasonable too.  They run the gamut from solo silent retreats to writing, arts and spa retreats.

Or you can always search for a retreat coach, rent a facility, and have your own retreat.

I hope I get to go to one soon.  I need to be rejuvenated and tuned into that still, small voice.  I want to get away from all the distractions and live in nature somewhere, preferably near a lake.