And now "it's time to end this dark cocoon and spread my gorgeous wings and fly away." --Joni Mitchell, The Last Time I Saw Richard. Returning home to see what work needs to be done, what action taken, now that I know my soul's mission, my life's purpose.
The book I read every morning, Life's Companion: Journal Writing as a Spiritual Quest by Christina Baldwin continues in a parallel universe to guide me through every step of my growth and change. Today's chapter was "The Point of Return."
"You are coming into your soul.
I am entering the level of transformation we have endured and the consciousness of that transformation becomes real."
Here's a point-on description of exactly where my transformation has dropped me off:
"We have undergone a restructuring of our belief system, our self-concept, and our life purpose. The outer trappings of our lives may still look relatively undisturbed, but internally tremendous change has taken place. We may not be ready, or able, for all of these changes to manifest themselves on a daily basis. We want to hold them steady while we practice looking at the world from the perspective of the new self." (p.305)
And I feel brand new, like I've just been born. I want to test my strengths and capabilities because I don't know the full extent of my powers yet. This is not a dream or another fantasy created by my ego for attention. This is real. I have found my soul's mission and my life's purpose and it has transfigured me.
"You look in a mirror and see a familiar stranger looking back." I notice that I have lost weight. I look focused. I feel lighter and transplendid. I am beautiful on the inside, powerful and ready and willing to serve. All I have to do to stay on this level of transformation is be authentic. If I act, speak and write from my One True Voice all is as it should be and on the path called my soul's mission, and doors open and invisible hands reach out to help.
My inspirational thought for the day from today's Daily Word was "All things are possible with God." Yes, yes, yes.
I've crossed a line and I don't know anything about life on this side. I might change anything and everything to fit the transformed authentic me from my friends to my clothes.
The adventure of being someone new and ready to take risks thrills me to my core. I have needed this badly for a long time. I was stuck in inertia and ennui. I let procrastination and indecision rule my life because I didn't know what direction I was headed. Now I have a path and a direction.
I asked for help again today. I think it's important to alert your spirit guides, and pray for guidance and the right decisions when trying to do God's will. I ask help from God, the Holy Spirit, angels--especially my guardian angel whose name is Mira; St. Theresa and all the saints, my spirit guides, mentors and teachers; my sister Patti on the other side, as well as others over there like my good spiritual friend, Betty Couch and my Aunt, Eileen Jacus and my Dad, Bill Grady. Oh, and my childhood role model, my grandmother, Nannie. She is always watching over me and praying for me. I feel the help and guidance of these spiritual teachers and guides in my thoughts, words and actions.
Journaling Exercise: Who are you now that you are not who you thought you were? How has the journey changed you? What of your old life is coming with you? What do you need to allow to drop away?
I am not the high-falutin career woman and wildly successful writer I fantasized about with her very together platform down to a designed logo and promotions on radio and TV. I laugh when I think of the vision board the old me created of her dreams of luxury homes down to the bathroom fixtures, swimming pools and world travel photos. I may not get all that now because like Bob Dylan sings, "You know you're gonna have to serve someone."
Oh Boo hoo! And I thought I might not be the last American to get a cell phone after all. I guess maybe I still might be.
No possessions to possess and control my life. No reasons to buy burglar alarms and expensive home-owner's insurance. No fears and worries about what is mine being taken from me. "When you've got nothing, you got nothing to lose."
I am just Maryellen Theresa Grady as myself. I am coming into my own. My life makes sense for the maybe the first time. I am an alcoholic, addict, and suffer from bipolar disorder, depression and was a non-custodial mother with all the shame that brings. My job is to reach out and touch the hearts and minds of those who are still suffering with the things I have overcome or found recovery in. I will reach them through my talent of writing and what will be my new talent, speaking. (I am joining Toastmasters.)
I know all I have to do to serve besides walk the walk to entitle me to talk the talk, which I have already done, is be authentic, speak and write with One True Voice, do God's will not my will, be honest and humble. If at least one person with one of those conditions finds hope in my story I have succeeded. One person saved is enough for a life's purpose.
I have an advantage in knowing what it feels like to help in that way and what the rewards are. As a substance abuse counselor for ten years I often found myself losing myself in serving another's needs and finding a voice, strength and capabilities more powerful than my own simply because I was doing God's work.
Who am I now that I am not who I thought I was? I am not my ego's puppet. I am my higher consciousness is some form.
I will not be lulled into inactivity by fantasies, grandiose goals and unreachable dreams. I am a strong, powerful and inspired woman of action. I will begin on my mission today. I will use the personal qualities, strengths and skills that have been lying around getting rusty from disuse. I DO know how to organize when I try. I do have the intelligence to learn new things and apply them to my plans. I am not the lazy, procrastinating slug of the past. I am ready to take the plunge and begin to make a difference. I can start and I can complete a task.
Today I will take the first steps in setting up a self-help support group for adults with attention deficit disorder. I have to-do lists, goals and addresses of where to get materials, handouts, literature, and contact A.D.D. coaches. I'll check out Meetup and see about starting it through there. I am taking inventory of my own A.D.D. disorder. I made a list of 50 negative traits I still have due to this brain chemical inbalance that I want to get help for and change. I plan to ask therapists and coaches to come to the group and give free presentations on different treatment aspects in exchange for free advertising. I plan to fully love myself to better love others and that means I don't have any room for low self-esteem and the things that cause me to have it.
I want to develop more compassionate listening skills. As they say in A.A., "I am responsible whenever anyone, anywhere reaches out for help." That is now my mantra.
I dreamed big and now I must take large and extensive actions. God is with me. I can do anything with God.
The journey has changed me because I have less fear. I don't feel like I am socially ill at ease or shy. For crying out loud, I am about to do the number one most-feared activity reported on a survey of Americans. I am going to be doing public speaking, which is more feared than skydiving. I am ready to make new friends and meet new people. I am willing to give up my hermit status and leave the cave, and get out and see the world again.
I don't feel made out of whipped cream. My substance is now something much sturdier. I am ready to make up my own volunteer program since I never could seem to find a volunteer opening that I could connect with to my satisfaction.
It is clear as crystal that I must now give away what I have received. There were many people who were there for me when I was down and out. Now it's my turn.
I am finally able to make commitments and take the actions necessary to fulfill them.
I am no longer a trivial person.
Things that are coming with me from my old life:
--Risk-taking and impulsivity.
--Adventurousness.
--Honesty.
--Years of recovery and working recovery programs.
--Writing talents.
--Freedom.
--Friends.
--Children.
--Family.
--Fighting with periodic depression.
--50 negative traits from A.D.D.
--Procrastination, messiness
--Fear, shyness
--My inner critic, self-blame, guilt and shame.
--Funkiness
Things I need to allow to drop away:
--Fear.
--Depression.
--Fear, shyness.
--50 negative A.D.D. traits.
--Procrastination, messiness.
etc.
I vow not to forget and to live by the six daily principles for aligning with my life's mission:
1. Act on passion -- take a stand.
2. Be discerning. Let my passions dictate actions. Don't just put in time or go
through the motions. Be authentic and do it from the heart or don't do it.
3. Listen - be a compassionate listener. Follow through on the messages I receive
from the many synchronicities sent to me each day.
4. Connect - Do whatever it takes to put me in motion doing what my intuition
tells me to do. Listen to that still small voice and then follow its directions.
5. Stay open - Let synchronicities confirm that you are on the right path even
when the meaning is not totally clear.
6. LEARN TRUST - Trust the process, trust the Universe. Trust intuitions. Trust
self. Let go and let God.
