I have decided that I want a green funeral. I don't want it so I can be trendy, because I don't believe I'll care about keeping up with the greenies at that point in my non-life. I want it because it makes sense and it doesn't scare me. All my life I've had this crazy notion that I'm going to come to inside that steel or what have you coffin and be six feet under and wide awake and alert. I'll be trapped and alone, and have no way to scream for help. Does anyone else ever have that thought or is it just me? Besides, what could be more natural than just returning to the earth. It's the ultimate recycling after a long life of recycling. "Dust to dust" and all that. Not to mention that it is cheap and I have no life insurance. The kids could set me up on the couch if they wanted to be Irish about it, or skip the whole wake thing entirely and just have a simple memorial service in the woods some place. At least I hope they will want to do that much. My ex used to say he was going to put me in a giant Hefty bag and drag me from his rear car bumper for the dogs to get. Nice, huh? You might say what about cremation? It pollutes. It causes nitrogen oxides, carbon monoxide, sulfur dioxide, heavy metals and particulates to be released into the atmosphere when a body is cremated. Don't be a polluter after you tried not to be during your life. No embalming when you go green (ick, gross). I don't care if there's a casket really. Put me in a refrigerator box if they want. But you can get cool green caskets made of jute or bamboo. It's time to stop taking advantage of the dead and their relatives with all the expensive ways funeral directors have of trying to remove the living from the fact that the deceased is actually deceased. The dead person doesn't care how expensive the coffin is and if it's guaranteed not to rust or leak. The family really shouldn't give a shit either. The person is dead. And I don't want some male stranger even trying to fix my hair and makeup the way I wore it. I get shudders. I can barely stand to go to a new salon wide awake for fear of who they might try to turn me into. I wash my hair and scrunch its natural curl. Then I let the air dry it. Five will get you ten they would put rollers in my hair, blow dry it, and put on a lot of mousse. Then they would put bright red lipstick on me, and I rarely ever even wear light lipstick. I would sit up in that casket and scream I swear. And all my relatives and friends would be trying to say something nice, all the time thinking, "My God she looks so dead, and so horrible. And what has she done to her hair!" So I want to get back to tradition. They put the dead to rest long before there were funeral directors. I guess the hard part is finding a place to legally bury the body. I know they won't let the kids put me in the back yard like a dog. I found a great resource on green funerals that tells you about everything you need to know. According to this they have green burial specialists, so it's not the kids and you, the stiff, out in the back yard with a shovel. The next time the annoying people from Penn Life call I am going to tell them that my funeral will only cost as much as a couple of cartons of cigarettes and I don't need them.

No comments: